Tired of being on the offensive

Most of my life I lived a life where I felt the need to constantly be defending myself. I was verbally abused since a young age. I would  be told to make a list of different words like hard headed, stupid etc... write down the definition and tell me to study it because that is what we were. It was not till the past couple of months in my 4 year marriage that I realized that my husband could not tell me anything without me jumping at him in my defense mode without getting his heart torn out of his chest. You see when you learn from a young age how powerful words are and how they can affect someone they become like a sword. The thing is the words I was using were not a double edge sword with words of wisdom or encouragement but dare I say it a quarrelsome wife. 

When this reality hit that my husband may feel safer on the corner of our roof then in our home, I knew something had to give. I started to search for forgiveness and prayed against this spirit of offense that was ever so clearly running my flesh. First things first, I Recognized what the cause was, I Repented from it, I Renounced it from my life, and I Replaced it with was is True, the Word of God. Let me tell you I felt so free! I asked God to help me exude the Fruits of the Holy Spirit starting with Humility and Love. Since that day it feels that everyone around me is taking turns trying to destroy my character and personality. At first my thought was Oh no they ain't! I'm going to show them the plank in their eye, I'm going to show them who there messing with. oops! Then I remembered my prayer, my deliverance and the promise that came with it. I took a deep breath wiped away the tears and looked at my hands and thought to myself there are no nails in my hands. 

Even then I can hear my flesh screaming are you going to allow this, they are insulting you, your worthless, your everything they are saying you are. Then out of my mouth the scriptures in my heart flowed ever so gracefully. "For the Lord God is a sun and a shield. He bestows His grace and glory, no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is upright." "My soul waits silently for God alone for my expectation is from Him". I felt released once again from my flesh. 

God knows my heart, He knows my deep desperate desire to be more like Him, to love my husband the way He loves him, to love my kids the way He loves them. Today I was reminded of that when once again a negative comment came my way and I felt heavy burdened with sadness. I asked God did Jesus feel this way? Then God told me that even today with the actions and choices that we make still hurt Him and make him sad, but He will always love us just the same. What helps me too is when I think that He poured Himself out and seeded into Judas just like the rest w/ the knowledge that He was going to betray Him. That's crazy to me! He knew and still gave all He had to him. Even Peter, He knew he was going to deny Him. I can't imagine how Jesus knew that still loved the way He did. But I want to do the same! 

Be Blessed 

Stephanie